These Words from A Dad Which Saved Us when I became a New Father

"In my view I was merely just surviving for twelve months."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the demands of being a father.

However the actual experience quickly became "completely different" to what he pictured.

Severe health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into acting as her main carer while also caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, each diaper… every stroll. The job of both parents," Ryan stated.

Following nearly a year he became exhausted. It was a conversation with his father, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he couldn't do it alone.

The simple statement "You're not in a good spot. You must get some help. What can I do to help you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His experience is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While society is now better used to addressing the strain on moms and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his difficulties are part of a larger inability to talk amongst men, who continue to internalise harmful notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It is not a sign of failure to ask for help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to admit they're having a hard time.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - most notably ahead of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental state is equally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the chance to ask for a break - going on a couple of days away, separate from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a change to consider his and his partner's emotions alongside the day-to-day duties of taking care of a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Reparenting yourself'

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the language of emotion and interpret his decisions as a father.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked consistent male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences caused his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "terrible choices" when he was younger to alter how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as escapism from the hurt.

"You turn to things that are harmful," he notes. "They might temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Tips for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, tell a trusted person, your partner or a professional about your state of mind. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the pursuits that made you feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. It could be exercising, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical health - eating well, staying active and where possible, resting, all contribute in how your emotional health is faring.
• Meet other first-time fathers - sharing their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help is not failure - prioritising yourself is the optimal method you can look after your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead give the security and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the feelings safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their issues, changed how they talk, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I said, sometimes I think my role is to teach and advise you on life, but actually, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."